Steal My Idea: The Church of Gobbleguk

[Bobbit worm (enice apohroditois) photo from]
For a D&D 5e game I just started playing, I wanted to roll a cleric. The twist was I wanted my cleric to be a devout cultist who had insane ideas about the world but wasn’t trying to bring about an age of darkness or release Cthulhu upon the world. I wanted to make a fun cult that had crazy ideas but that a player could still follow with a (mostly) good character.

I wanted to make a cult that took three main things:
– Building friendships are important
– Involving yourself in the world around you is important to both spreading the religion and getting people to like you
– Surprising people is a form of worship

All of those things give the player a reason to interact meaningfully with the world around them (including the other PCs my character met for the first time). I wanted some level of caring for others to be an important part of my character’s religion, though I didn’t want it to look like normal missionary work.

I wrote this pamphlet for the Church of Gobbleguk to help my GM and myself understand the cult and its motivations, while also giving the GM information to use in any way he wanted to. I told him Gobbleguk doesn’t even have to be a part of his pantheon. It could simply be a scam to get people near the ocean and sell beach-front property, and my character is one of the suckers that bought the religion hook, line, and sinker. Maybe one day I’ll find out if my character’s religion is real or not. Maybe one day…

The Church of Gobbleguk

Do you ever feel sad? Do you ever wish a strong presence would wrap itself around you and pull you into its loving embrace? You are not under a spell of sadness. You do not have depression. You are simply aware of the hole in your life because you have not accepted the great Gobbleguk as the giver and taker of all. Brothers and sisters and genderless automatons of all races, ages, economic standings, social classes, and differing occupations, Gobbleguk wants to embrace you in Gobbleguk’s loving, snapping jaws.
What is Gobbleguk?

Many people start by asking “what is Gobbleguk?” or “who is Gobbleguk?” The effects of Gobbleguk are everywhere. Gobbleguk is the reason for everything. Gobbleguk is also living beneath the ocean floor.

Gobbleguk is a god that knew the loftiness of the sky and the depths of the underworld were not true paradise. In Gobbleguk’s infinite wisdom, Gobbleguk slithered to our world and made a home in the most beautiful and hospitable place imaginable: the ocean floor.

That’s right. Despite being a god, Gobbleguk lives among us on this plane, unlike all other creatures that people call gods. Gobbleguk is humble. Gobbleguk is love. Gobbleguk does not require buildings of worship, and Gobbleguk does not want your money. Gobbleguk simply wants your love and acceptance.

What Gobbleguk Wants You to Do

Gobbleguk loves surprises, and we can know this by looking at Gobbleguk’s direct descendents: the bobbit worm. Bobbit worms are ambush predators, and Gobbleguk knows the joys of a good surprise. Thus, Gobbleguk encourages us to:
– Throw surprise birthday parties.
– Surprise your friends, those you want to be your friends, and strangers with gifts.
– Whenever appropriate, join a fight, even if you didn’t start it. However, if someone you’ve thrown a surprise party for would view joining the fight as a negative surprise, consider their feelings on the situation before deciding.
– If you stab someone, stab them from behind- preferably in the kidney- while they’re not looking (more on this later).
– Treat animals with respect, but never be afraid to eat them. Gobbleguk enjoys the flesh of mortal creatures, you should too. Do not deny yourself meat of any kind.
– Do not take revenge. Gobbleguk is the giver and taker of all, including but not limited to life, death, wealth, food, rain, and marriage. Whether a thief strangles someone in a shadowy back alley or a kraken pulls a ship and its crew to a water grave, Gobbleguk knows. Gobbleguk cares.

Why Gobbleguk Wants Us to Care about Others

You will meet misled people who do not believe in Gobbleguk. Those people are still important and deserve respect. Don’t be a dick. Nobody wants to hang around you if you act like a snappy dragon with a thorn up its ass.

It is important to Gobbleguk that you care about others, even if they do not believe in Gobbleguk. Gobbleguk does not have hurt feelings about that.

When you die, the only assured way to get to Gobbleguk’s eternal paradise below the sands of the ocean floor is to have your body dropped into the deep ocean. Thus, you will need people who like you enough to sail out into the deep waters to offer your body to Gobbleguk. That is not an easy feat, especially for land-dwelling people. Thus, you need people who like you enough to do that upon your death.

Like Gobblegook’s embracing jaws, kindness has two parts: one side for showing kindness, and one side is for receiving kindness. Showing that kind of love to others and others showing that same devotion to you is but a taste of the glory and love of Gobbleguk.

Converting Someone to Gobbleguk

Do not attempt to sway someone to Gobbleguk. Simply live well, eat meat, and throw surprise parties. By your actions, they will see Gobbleguk’s ways are the best. If they don’t, they are stupid (but don’t tell them that).

If you kill someone, before the light leaves their eyes, you must ask them “do you wish to accept Gobbleguk as the true giver and taker of life so you may live in eternal paradise under the comforting sands of the ocean floor?” Everyone deserves the chance to live in Gobbleguk’s eternal paradise.

If they cling to their false beliefs, then do with their body as you see fit. If they accept Gobbleguk with their dying breath, then do the right thing: cut out their kidneys.

While true servants of Gobbleguk should have their whole body (or as much as possible if you end up in pieces) placed into the deep ocean, it is unfeasible to drag countless bodies of those you have killed (for good reason, of course) to the ocean. This is especially true if those people were only servants of Gobbleguk for a few moments before death. Gobbleguk understands this, and Gobbleguk offers an easier way for us to help them.

Cut out their kidneys (or just one if you do not have sufficient time) and place the kidneys in the new Servant of Gobbleguk Air-Tight Jar® you received at your surprise dunkening ceremony. The next time you are near the ocean, go out far, open the jar, and place the kidneys in the ocean. Before you place them in the water, cut each one in half. The two sides represent the two embracing jaws of Gobbleguk. This shows they are for Gobbleguk and you’re not simply dumping organs in the water.

Since the language of those who love Gobbleguk involves making throat-based noises while opening and closing your mouth and never using your lips, it’s easy to mistake someone gurgling blood and gasping for air while dying as someone using Gobbleguk’s native tongue to accept the gift. If you are uncertain, Gobbleguk will not fault you for offering their kidneys. Gobbleguk understands. Gobbleguk forgives.

The Truth of All Things

Some people believe things happen for a reason. That is true, but the reason is always because of Gobbleguk. We know this because the enlightened followers of Gobbleguk know so. There are many misconceptions people have, so here are the real reasons behind some common ones:

– Floods happen when a faithful servant of Gobbleguk dies on land, and through no fault of their own, there is no one to take their body to the ocean. Thus, the ocean comes up to meet them or the rains fill the land and bring them to the ocean.
– Rain happens because it is a gift from Gobbleguk. Gobbleguk knows how good water feels, but Gobbleguk also knows that not every creature can dwell in its eternal splendor without drowning. Thus, Gobbleguk makes the rain to bring a taste of such magnificence to everyone. The reason rain feels good is because it is a gift from Gobbleguk.
– Night time is a holy time. It represents the darkness of the ocean floor. If it rains at night, it is surprise worship time. Break out into song or play instruments if you can. Praise Gobbleguk!
– Some people are tall because Gobbleguk is long. Some people have short legs because Gobbleguk has short legs. Some people are average height because Gobbleguk wants to show us there is always a balance.

Go out and surprise people in all things. Praise Gobbleguk!


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Twitter: @RexiconJesse

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