50 Things in the Fine Print of That Fiendish Contract You Signed Without Reading

No one reads the Terms of Service. Especially if there’s appendices for appendices and that section is the majority of the contract. How bad could it be?

It could be as bad as one of these 50 things. Enjoy!

Lovingly crafted by users u/InfinityCircuit, /u/RexiconJesse/u/DougTheDragonborn, and /u/dIoIIoIb.

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  1. The signatory has to carry a device that pulls energy from them, charging it. It radiates with heat (not damaging) and glows red at night or when demihumans are near.

  2. The signatory must become the hive for a nest of dire hornets.

  3. The signatory must throw 25% of all gold they earn into the sea (or appropriate way to lose it based on the contract). If they gain items for any reason, the 25% of the item can be taken as a substitute tax.

  4. Two nights a week, the signatory is not allowed to sleep. The sleep they would get is transferred to an unnamed slumbering creature that requires a set amount of slumber before awakening. The signatory gains a level of exhaustion after each of these nights.

  5. Everyone forgets an event in which the signatory participated.

  6. From now on, another creature will take all the credit for the signatory’s deeds.

  7. The signatory must babysit the contract-holder’s nephew. Any damage sustained to the child will be dealt to them with a 5 second delay (the next combat round). Healing, unfortunately, does not transfer in the same way.

  8. The contract specifies that the signatory must break a fellow demon out of a prison in heaven within the next 30 days. Failure to bring the demon home and in stable, living condition means the demon can possess the signatory’s body and use it as a vessel.

  9. The signatory signs over the rights to all of their teeth, and all future teeth they may acquire through any means.

  10. The signatory agrees that at any time they can be teleported to the contract owner’s location and provide a foot massage. The massage will not last longer than 10 minutes.

  11. At any time, any place, under any circumstance, the fiend may plane shift the signatory to their home plane for one minute, as a workplace-exchange program sponsored by the fiend’s superiors. A fiend of similar power to the signatory replaces the signatory for the time period. Per the conditions of the contract, any such interplanar travel is voluntary for the signatory, and cannot be resisted.

  12. The signatory owes a tithe of blood each day. Signatory takes 1d4 damage at dusk each day. Any class features or magic used to prevent the damage will void the contract, and the fiend will be free to go.

  13. At the start of any combat, the signatory must make a DC13 Wisdom save or be frightened of the enemy combatants for 1 minute. The signatory can make another save at the beginning of their turn each round to resist the effect.

  14. The fiend will assist the signatory in combat, but only attacks when the signatory takes damage.

  15. The fiend narrates the signatory’s every move, providing inner monologues as well. The narration is not necessarily true. Signatory has disadvantage on stealth and deception checks.

  16. The signatory’s mundane weapons become enchanted, acting as magical weapons. However, only the fiend may wield them on their behalf. The signatory or their companions cannot use them.

  17. Other fiends regularly appear to the signatory, urging them to sign their own contracts. Apparently, the signatory’s agreeable nature is attractive to fiends…

  18. All other contracts previously signed by the signatory are now null and void. House deeds, bank accounts, and loan debt are all lost, though a warlock pact is strong enough to resist this nullification.

  19. The signatory’s left and right hands completely swap. This doesn’t have much of a mechanical effect, but some might think they are a Rakshasa.

  20. The signatory and their nearest sibling switch names. (If they are an only child, swap names with mother or father).

  21. Minor spouts of what some would call “stage magic” happen involuntarily. Each time the signatory fails a Constitution saving throw, roll on the table below (1d6) (or DM’s choice) to see what happens.

     1. A crow flies out of their mouth (50% chance to be dead and skeletal)

     2. Their footprints glow with iridescent paint for one hour.

     3. Their head falls off, and they must use their reaction to catch it. If they do not have a reaction remaining, take 1d12 necrotic damage.

     4. All of their bones crack, dealing 1d8 thunder damage to you and half as much to any creature within 5 feet.

     5. Invisible three-quarters cover appears between them and the 5-foot space in front of them.

     6. All the currency in their pockets appears in their hand. If you do not have a free hand, it falls at their feet.

  22. Whenever signing further contracts, the signatory must ask to be paid in slaves, in addition to or instead of any other reward. When a sufficient number of slaves is reached, a fiend will arrive to take them away and the contract will be fulfilled.

  23. The signatory must fully abstain from (insert their favorite food, drink, or substance).

  24. Each time the signatory get a full night’s rest, they take on the appearance of someone else.

  25. At any point, the fiend may take control of the signatory’s body. Having signed, the victim may get a saving throw, but passing it would be a breach of contract. For one day, the fiend has complete control of the body. The signatory is in the equivalent of a deep coma. Usually there may be additional clauses, limiting what the fiend is allowed to do, e.g.: can’t harm the body, or make it do clearly suicidal things, or directly attack the signatory’s allies, but is otherwise free to use it as they please.

  26. The signatory isn’t allowed to enter any type of contract, alliance or agreement with good-aligned churches or entities, without the explicit permission of the fiend.

  27. A clone of the signatory will appear. The original and the clone will both be convinced they are the real one, with the same ability and memories, and only high-level magic will be able to tell them apart.

  28. The signatory loses the ability to read.

  29. The signatory permanently loses one or more of the following senses: smell, hearing, touch, taste, the ability to perceive temperature, the ability to feel pain, the ability to keep rhythm.

  30. When the time comes where the signatory can vote, their vote will be determined by the contract owner.

  31. The signatory loses the ability to deceive. The signatory can lie, or omit the truth, but the contract holder will correct them and notify the other party of the lie.

  32. They inexplicably become obsessed with a new hobby. The need to explore this hobby is as compelling as their previously favorite activity.

  33. The signatory is now betrothed to a family member of the contract holder (a fiend, of course). In 90 days, planar immigration authorities will give the signatory and their betrothed a test to show they are indeed in love and know enough about each other. If either person fails the test, they will both be banished from this plane. If they succeed, the wedding will take place within 24 hours. Failure to show up to the wedding or refuse the marriage will result in banishment as well.

  34. The signatory will be transported to the contract owner’s position in the event the contract owner is threatened.

  35. The signatory gives up their fertility and any other means of producing an offspring.

  36. The signatory must house a sentient parasite for one year. If the parasite does not survive, a new one will arrive and the year starts over.

  37. The signatory must listen to the contract owner’s nephew/niece’s band play their first show. This includes cheering when songs end, buying merch, and congratulating the band after finishing the show but before leaving the venue.

  38. The signatory must plan and execute an amazing surprise birthday party for an entity/person/creature/or other specified consciousness or concept of the contract owner’s choosing.

  39. The signatory must replace one of their eyes with the contract owner’s eyes (contract owner’s choice of which eyes). Both parties will be able to see through the replacement eye.

  40. The signatory must convince the contract owner’s parent said parent is wrong about a particular issue of the contract owner’s choice.

  41. The signatory must act irrationally towards certain people or groups of people, chosen beforehand. The signatory is required to act foolishly, be very annoying or hectic, and never explain their action to anybody.

  42. The signatory must wear a necklace of severed fingers, and isn’t allowed to hide it under clothes or conceal it in any way.

  43. The signatory must pay for 10 guards to comprise the contract holder’s bodyguard. These count as elite troops or skilled labor for purposes of daily wages (ex. 3g/day/person, in 5e DMG terms).

  44. After the term of contract is up, the signatory must serve the contract holder as a dually bonded mercenary for the same term of time. The fiend will very likely employ the signatory as a bodyguard, or as a line troop in the Blood War.

  45. The contract holder must receive one good-aligned sacrifice every new moon, or quarter, if the world has no moons. If an evil-aligned creature is sacrificed instead, the contract holder becomes beholden to the sacrificial creature. If the sacrifice is forgotten or otherwise missed, the contract is void, and the contract holder attacks the signatory in an attempt to kill and steal their soul.

  46. The signatory must open a gate to the contract holder’s home plane within a year and a day of signing the contract.

  47. The signatory must betray the trust of someone they love. This must happen during the period of the contract.

  48. The signatory must intentionally lose a public fight against the contract holder, at a time and location chosen by the contract holder. The signatory must put up a believable and convincing act.

  49. Any healing magic cast upon the signatory is now split with the contract holder, with half of the HP value going to each. Any regeneration from items is also split between them. Resurrection or restoration magic works as normal. This effect lasts through the duration of the contract.

  50. The signatory begins to gain weight inexplicably. Nine months to the day after signing, the signatory gives birth to the contract holder’s spawn. This happens regardless of the signatory’s gender. The signatory loses half their HP, and gains three levels of exhaustion during the ordeal.

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