Games on the Throne: Dark Lands

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 What is it?

Dark Land is a side-scrolling runner where you jump over or slide under traps and obstacles as well as attack and defend against various monsters. It is basically Dark Souls meets Happy Wheels. You earn (or purchase) gems and spend them to upgrade your health, attack, and agility (though I still don’t know what upgrading your agility does).

Pros:

  • It has both set levels that increase in difficulty and skill required as well as a survival mode where you run and fight for as long as you can.
  • The bosses are fun and challenging.
  • The game play is difficult but it requires skill more than luck.
  • It’s free, there are no ads, and it’s not pay to win.

 

Cons:

  • While I like the survival mode more than the normal levels, they get redundant too quickly.
  • It requires two hands to play, and you have to hold the device sideways.
  • Precision movements + well-hidden traps = unexpected clenching.

 

Conclusion:

I played Dark Lands a lot, but after a while, it was to prove to myself that I could beat the level rather than playing it for enjoyment. If the Dark Souls x Happy Wheels pitch doesn’t sell you, don’t feel bad skipping this one. If that comparison does interest you at all, definitely give it a download.

Neko Atsume

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What is it?

 

There are stray cats that wander around your neighborhood, and like any sane person, you want to lure them into your yard so you can admire their adorableness. You draw them in by putting out different kinds of food and providing an assortment of toys to play with and objects to sleep on or crawl inside of. Once they’re in your yard, you can take their picture, and each cat has its own photobook. When they leave, they tip you with fish that you can use to purchase more toys and food.

 

Pros:

– The cats are undeniably cute.

– Special cats with cute costumes and punny names will show up when certain toys are placed in your yard, and snapping their pictures is totally rewarding.

– It reminds me of Pokemon Snap on Nintendo 64, and anything that does that is a good thing.

– The music is catchy and gets stuck in my head.

– It can be played one-handed.

– It is free.

 

Cons:

-The cats only appear once the app has been closed for a period of time. You’ll also need to refill the food several times. Thus, you have to play this game outside of potty breaks.

– The music is catchy and gets stuck in my head.

– Even if you have the yard expansion and you’re trying to get pictures of all of your cats using different toys/sleeping spaces, a round of this game probably won’t last you an entire bathroom break.

– There is no leveling or deep mechanics. It is very straight-forward with what it is (technically, that’s a good thing, too).

 

Conclusion:

If the phrase “adorable cats show up, you take pictures of them, and they ignore you” interests you, get it. If not, go to the hospital because you are missing your heart and you need one. Those things are important.

Games on the Throne: Tetris

Games on the Throne10What is it?

Tetris requires no introduction, because if you tried to explain it, you’d bore the audience into doing something that sounded more interesting. Either you love Tetris, or you probably don’t care about it.

Pros:

–          It’s been the go to game to play while pooping since the original Game Boy version.

–          It’s simple to play, and you probably already know the rules. If not, you can learn them in less than a minute.

–          It’s free.

–          … It’s Tetris. Continue reading “Games on the Throne: Tetris”

Games on the Throne: TransPlan

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Available here: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=kittehface.plink&hl=en

What is it?

TransPlan is a puzzle game where you have to solve problems by using physics. Does that make sense? You have to move one object to a particular spot on the map, and you can only move it by having other objects affect it. You can pin objects down or erase them… You can make catapults… None of that probably makes any sense, does it? Just watch the trailer. Continue reading “Games on the Throne: TransPlan”

i- Games on the Throne: Final Fable

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final fableWhat is it?

Final Fable is kind of like a JRPG for your mobile device. Or more accurately, it’s like watching someone play a non turn-based JRPG with a menu-based combat system on your mobile device. The game automatically executes all of your basic attacks, so all you have left to do is choose when to use each party member’s limit break (unless you set that to automatic as well). Outside of combat, you get to micromanage your party members. Continue reading “i- Games on the Throne: Final Fable”

Games on the Throne: Puzzle & Dragons

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What is it?puzzle and dragons

Puzzle & Dragons is a match-3 RPG. You choose up to six creatures to accompany you and defeat other creatures as you traverse dungeons. Your creatures attack when you match different colored tiles, and you level them up between dungeons as well as get new ones.

Pros:

There’s a lot of lovely artwork to scrutinize while you fertilize.

You can hold the phone and play it in the same hand, making it optimal for playing during every part of the event.

Everything is turn-based, allowing you to take your time or take breaks when your bowels command it.

You have a few seconds to slide a single piece around, allowing you to get combos and go beyond a normal match-3 gameplay style.

You can stop playing at any point and pick it back up whenever. You won’t lose progress so long as you have an internet connection.

RPG gameplay and leveling adds cohesion and interest to an otherwise simple game.

It’s free (although it does have optional micro transactions).

Cons:

Trying to get mad combos can get tense, and you may find yourself prematurely pinching your butt bread off a slice earlier than intended.

You have to grind in order to attempt to get anything of worth or to level up your creatures.

Conclusion:

If match-3 games interest you, go for it.

If a match-3 game with RPG leveling interests you, get it.

If you like cute monstas, start all the downloadin’.

If either of those sound stupid, avoid it.

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